I was sent home from work yesterday. Not because I was sick or had made a mistake. I was laid off. Nothing out of the ordinary really; America is just in a different place and not even social service agencies are being spared the effects of reckless spending and general greed. Paradoxically, now is when social service agencies are needed most. I could spend my time complaining about who’s at fault or boo hooing about how life isn’t fair; but I won’t. When I was first told that I no longer had a job, I felt like it was such a big deal that the whole world should know of my pain. After all, I AM a big deal. (That’s a joke. I hope.) The point is that I have been forced into an opportunity to look around and see the forest.

Before I was laid off, I had an inkling that it was going to happen. As far back as December of 2008 I saw some hints that my company and I may need to part ways. For the last six months I had come to grips with some of this. I had thought about how cool it would be to spend more time with the wife and kid, more time writing, and playing music. But right now, less than 24 hours after my Big Come Down, I don’t feel like doing anything. I started writing this at 7:15 this morning and it is now pushing 10:00. The first record I listened to, Spoon’s “Kill the Moonlight” came and went without me even hearing “That’s the Way We Get By” the song that I wanted to hear in the first place. For the last two hours, I have been listening to side three of Yo La Tengo’s “Summer Sun” over and over again at low volume because it’s the lounge lizard sounding side and that’s about all of the emotion I have. I am surprisingly not mad or depressed… that’s going to kick in later. Right now, I’m a little numb.

Getting to the point, it is likely that I will be posting more often on the site. There are many ideas and articles that never found a home that I would love to clean up and try to sell. I may also finally get the social network side of the site running. For over a year now, I have needed to place dig, reddit, facebook, and twitter tags on the site but have been neglectful.

Peace.  

In 2009, it has been reported that P2P (peer to peer) internet traffic accounts for somewhere between 45-78% of all internet traffic. (Ernesto 2009) Even though all internet traffic is technically file sharing, this statistic highlights the sharing of large files; both legal and illegal across networks. Since there are so many ways to share files on the internet, it is very difficult to track the exact number of files being shared or the number of people sharing them. While there are many legal, legitimate reasons to share files, there are also many types of illegal files being shared. Since both sides have valid arguments as to why files should or should not be shared, net citizens and corporations will need to decide on ways to behave on the web without alienating each other in the process.

Historical Perspective.

In the 1970’s, people shared files using floppy discs. While anti-piracy groups did focus on removable media, theft of intellectual property was limited because of the technology involved. The 1980’s gave birth to “FTP” (File Transfer Protocol) causing files to be shared more easily across networks. But the limited speeds of the internet still stunted the growth of piracy and while some intellectual property was illegally sent over ftp, floppy discs and removable media continued to be the simplest way to transfer files from one computer or another. Since a person would need to copy and distribute the software by hand, the number of illegal copies remained small. Even so, piracy was a concern for many software companies in 1980’s. Ads such as “Don’t Copy That Floppy,” made by the “SPA,” (Software Publishers Association) still circulate on video sites like YouTube because of their nostalgia factor.

In the early 1990’s, an audio compression algorithm named MPEG-1 Audio Lawyer 3 (more commonly known as mp3) was standardized. Even though mp3’s are considered “lossy” in that some of the fidelity from the original file is lost, their small size and ease of playback made them very popular online. Sharing of music files in the mp3 format increased quickly across the net. The US government started taking notice, and in 1998 and passed the Digital Millennium Copyright Act to protect copyright holders against this new use of file sharing. By 1998, Audiogalaxy would reach one million songs downloaded; most of which, were copied illegally. Audiogalaxy was followed by Napster in 1999; a site that became wildly popular until its founder Shawn Fanning was forced to shut down.

Once Napster became a household name, the secret was out. Anyone could download music for free on the internet. P2P sites became more common and used decentralized servers to keep from being shut down. (Napster was closed by an injunction based on the fact that their servers indexed the files on its user’s computers.) The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) started filing lawsuits in an attempt to stop file sharing on the internet, but it was too late. There were far too many people illegally downloading music from many different P2P sites. When one site is shut down for copyright infringement, three more open. Then in July of 2001, Bram Cohen released BitTorrent.

BitTorrent is a P2P file sharing protocol capable of distributing extremely large amounts of data from one computer to another very quickly by breaking files into small packets that are shared between computers in what is called a swarm. Between the BitTorrent protocol and the increase in bandwidth, movies and television shows began to be traded. In 2002, it was thought that approximately 35% of all internet traffic was over BitTorrent trackers. The popularity in file sharing continues to rise threatening the music, movie, book publishing, and television industries.

The Artist Perspective

In the debate against piracy, the artist often gets left behind so I am starting with the views of the often underappreciated originator of stolen content. Within the music industry, the musicians themselves have long felt left behind when it comes to income. Through the 1990’s, the record label paid an artist an advance and the artist would deliver an album, then tour to support that album. Since the real money was tied to the media that that album was pressed into, (Vinyl, Cassette Tape, CD, e.g.) the label profited and passed some of those profits onto the artist. The issue was, that an artist could not afford to record, produce, market, and release their music without the help of the label. The label should have treated the musician with respect, considering they would not be able to earn any money without the artist, but this was not the case. The labels started getting rid of problem artists by pricing them out and refusing to release their material. (See: Wilco, Frank Zappa.)

Steve Albini wrote an article for Maximum Rock ‘n’ Roll in 1995 that showed record label vs. band profits after an album selling 250,000 copies. The record label ended with a $710,000 profit while the artist ends up $-14,000. (Albini 1995) There are many issues with the record label model for the artist. The label owns the music itself, and they control how it is presented. (The label would decide on number of pages in the jacket for example.) The label decides how much to charge for the product and has a hand in any ticket sales/merchandise income.

Knowing that they would have a hard time making a profit from an album and tour, artists started leaking records onto the internet prior to their release in the hopes that people would get excited by the preview and buy the physical media once it was released. Musicians have admitted that they too download music from the internet to hear it before its release. “I Steal music too,” is one of many articles about an artist who downloads without paying.  (soulxtc 2007)

Once a record is released, many artists with good intentions see the records labels actively hurting their sales. The Foo Fighters released, “In Your Honor” in 2005 through Sony BMG and realized within a few days that the CD contained a rootkit that installed onto a listeners hard drive without permission. (Hayden 2005) This new DRM  not only became a hindrance to the listener when trying to copy the music to an mp3 player, but caused a security risk to their computer. (Righi 2005)

As faster internet speeds became the norm, musicians split into two categories. The first group, containing groups such as Metallica, Eminem, and Kiss, believe that file sharing and online piracy only cuts more into their profits and have fought against illegal downloading. Metallica sued Napster and forced it to close. In the process, they have lost fans and have been called sellouts by many contemporaries. Kiss has also blamed piracy as the root cause for the death of the music industry. Gene Simmons has gone on record saying, "Every little college kid, every freshly-scrubbed little kid's face should have been sued off the face of the earth;" and "The record industry is dead. Its six feet underground and unfortunately the fans have done this. They've decided to download and file share. There is no record industry around so we're going to wait until everybody settles down and becomes civilized. As soon as the record industry pops its head up we'll record new material." (Cheng 2008)

Not all musicians have such harsh views toward the people who like their music, but download it freely from the internet. Phil Galdston is a professional songwriter who said this in front of congress in September 2002. “Online music sharing and other illegal forms of copying music harm artists because they circumvent the intellectual property system through which artists get paid. The plight of songwriters illustrates this best: While musicians can earn a living by playing concerts, songwriters are only paid when people purchase the recorded versions of their songs.” (Galdston 2005) He has a point, what about the songwriter? Not every band writes their own material.

The other side that musicians have taken has been to leave the record labels behind and/or endorse the file sharing. Dave Grolh has given up on the record labels stating, “It doesn’t matter to me, I have given up trying to make money there, download all you want.” (Grossberg 2005) But some musicians have left the industry altogether. Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead, and Saul Williams, have all left their record labels behind and have profited from the move. For example, Trent Reznor set up a pay what you like service for the album “Ghosts” and placed the music under a creative commons license so that anyone could remix and reuse the music. (He even gave away the multi track files to make things easier.) Within the first week, 781,917 transactions on nin.com had taken place and Trent had earned over $1.6 million. (heroicraptor 2008) Trent gave away his next record, The Slip, but offered fans a chance to buy a physical copy with some bonuses and still managed to sell out the 250,000 copies from the first pressing. (Pareles 2008) He credits his success to “RTB” (Reason to Buy) stating, “People still love music and are willing to pay for it.” (Tucker 2009)

Another argument that has been put forth by pro piracy bands is based around the idea that every download would not have been a sale. To assume that every downloaded copy of a record is one sale lost does seem somewhat close minded. Artists taking the long view may see, that if a kid at a computer downloads a band that he knows very little about, he or she is more likely to purchase that or another album at a later date. Even if the downloader doesn’t like what they hear, they are still more likely to buy than if they never heard anything at all. This thought alone makes a case FOR internet piracy in the eyes of some at The Illinois Business Law Journal. (Mills 2007)

Many artists are asking how new groups are going to get an audience without the labels. This is an issue that has not yet been solved, but there are tons of options out there. Social networking sites like MySpace and Second Life are tailor made for exposure. Meta-sites like Digg and Reddit help filter the online noise and can often highlight great upcoming acts.  

The bands that have embraced online file sharing are stating that profits are up, while those sticking with the labels, complain that no one is buying. The split isn’t just in music either; fiction, movie, and television artists are also making the same choices to get their art out into the world.

The Industry Perspective

The film industry fought against video cassettes saying that no one would ever buy another movie; then made billions from the sale of home movies on VHS. Later, the film industry fought against DVD saying the same thing. Since then, they have made billions selling both movies and television box sets. Currently, the film industry is fighting against online file sharing because they state that they cannot earn income from it. After all, they are not selling the physical product which contains the movie or television show. They are also not receiving income from selling ads while a program airs. The industry perspective is simple. They pay for the production, marketing, and physical product, and they want to profit and control the final result. To that end, the music and movie industry have relied on two tricks to stop file sharing. DRM, the process of controlling access to a product so that only the legal purchaser can use the product the way the industry intended for it to be used; and suing file sharers. Unfortunately for the industries involved, neither of these processes have had much impact and both have garnered bad press. Mitch Bainwol, the CEO of the RIAA said, “The decision [to file lawsuits] was taken only after suffering years of mounting harm and trying all other avenues.” (Bainwol 2005) Nowhere in his statement does he mention the other ways in which the RIAA tried to stop file sharing. Lawsuits have been, and continue to be, the first line of defense against online piracy. It is worth mentioning that the RIAA has sued both deceased people, and people without any access to the internet for online piracy.

The industry has also sued file sharing sites, and has won on many occasions. Both Napster and OiNK have been shuttered and The Pirate Bay has not only had to move its servers many times, but its owners are currently in jail for copyright infringement. Unfortunately, the entertainment industries have been slow to change.

My Perspective

In my estimation, this is not an issue of everyone wanting everything to be free all of the time. Clearly consumers are willing to pay for the media that they wish to consume. But the issues come in when the industry tries to get in-between that media and the people wanting to consume it. Now that P2P options are available, the majority of the industry is going to have to change the way that business is done. Similarly, the majority of people are going to have to decide what the collective rules will be now that everything can be had for free. There will always be people who steal, and artists that don’t like change; but we no longer live in an era where no one will download.   

First, the media industries are going to have to stop trying to control the way that people consume their goods. If I purchase a CD or DVD/Blu-ray, I should be able to consume that media on my iPod, computer, home theater, or anywhere else I can dream up. The consumer should no longer be constricted. In return, I should show the same restraint with digital media as I would with physical media. I think it would be OK for me to loan a media disc to someone, but loaning a digital copy of media is like giving it away. The consumer needs to show constraint.

Second, there needs to be a new pricing structure for music and movies. When the CD was first release, it made sense for the discs to cost upward of $20.00. But that was in the 1980’s, since then, the technology to print and distribute those discs has dropped to almost nothing. There is no reason that CD’s should cost $14.00. Even $9.99 is pushing it at this point. If CD’s cost $5.00 a piece, more would sell, and profits would go up. (See Saul Williams and Radiohead for examples.) DVD’s should no longer cost $20.00 and Blu-ray discs should not cost $30.00. I understand the need to recoup the costs of new technology but it’s a lot ethically easier to pirate a movie if the price to purchase it legally is so high.

Third, the media industry needs to realize that there is a large portion of consumers who do not wish to listen to pop music and watch unoriginal movies/television shows. Yes, there is a market for reality TV and Brittney Spears, but I don’t know anyone who likes either. Maybe piracy is high because the consumer doesn’t see any value in what they are consuming. That doesn’t justify stealing. After all, the consumer could choose to not purchase anything or make their own media to consume. But that isn’t going to happen. The music industry gives us the perfect example of this. A band named “Nickelback” has released 6 albums and has recycled every hit they have had. People boo them off stage and throw rocks at them. Clearly, people don’t seem to like the band yet, the radio plays them constantly. If the media companies wish to continue to make profits, they will need to produce content that people want, not just settle for.

Fourth, everything that exists is not available through legal means. Say you like a movie that was made for TV in 1982. Now that movie has a valid copyright and downloading an inferior rip of a VHS cassette using BitTorrent is considered unethical. But if the owners of the product are not trying to make money off of it, is it fair for them to keep you from watching it? I can see both sides of this issue and it can have a slippery slope effect when you consider the global market. I enjoy a BBC show entitled The IT Crowd. It is neither aired nor available for purchase in America. Is it unethical for me to download this show? If it were to become available I would most likely purchase it; but does that change anything? What about taped broadcasts? Should they be available for free download after they have been aired? What if the commercials are left in?

Fifth, media companies need to stop picking on Europe and America. In 2005, Hong Kong had an intellectual property piracy rate above 50%. (Cheang 2005) Meanwhile, the Office of the United States Trade Representative keeps a “Priority Watch List” of countries that have piracy rates so high that a real product is hard to find. (Office of the United States Trade Representative 2009)

There is not a perfect answer to the file sharing issue. The media industry needs to change its practices and the consumers need to stop stealing. In reality, equilibrium could be found by using some of the methods that I have listed, but as with all things, new technology can hurt as much as it can help.

Albini, Steve. Mercenary Audio. 1995. http://www.mercenary.com/probwitmusby.html (accessed 05 25, 2009).

Bainwol, Mitch. Internet Piracy. Farmington Hills, MI: Tomson Gale, 2005.

Cheang, Stella. Business Software Allience. 05 18, 2005. http://w3.bsa.org/hongkong/press/newsreleases/Hong-Kong-Software-Piracy-Rate-52-Percent.cfm (accessed 05 10, 2009).

Cheng, Jacqui. ars technica. 06 19, 2008. http://arstechnica.com/old/content/2008/06/gene-simmons-blames-fans-p2p-for-killing-music-industry.ars (accessed 05 25, 2009).

Ernesto. TorrentFreak. Febuary 18, 2009. http://torrentfreak.com/bittorrent-still-king-of-p2p-traffic-090218/ (accessed May 24, 2009).

Galdston, Phil. Internet Piracy Harms Artists. Farmington Hills, MI: Thomson Gale, 2005.

Grossberg, Josh. E! Online. 04 21, 2005. http://www.eonline.com/search/index.jsp?searchString=Dave%20Grohl (accessed 05 25, 2009).

Hayden, Bruce. Sony DRM Rootkit Code. 12 04, 2005. http://sonyrootkit.blogspot.com/2005/12/another-list-of-infected-cds.html (accessed 05 25, 2009).

heroicraptor. the nin hotline. 03 13, 2008. http://www.theninhotline.net/news/archives/backissue.php?y=08&m=3#1205425585 (accessed 05 25, 2009).

Mills, Patrick. The Illinois Business Law Journal. 10 15, 2007. http://iblsjournal.typepad.com/illinois_business_law_soc/2007/10/the-case-for-in.html (accessed 05 20, 2009).

Office of the United States Trade Representative. USTR Assets. 04 30, 2009. http://www.ustr.gov/assets/Document_Library/Reports_Publications/2009/2009_Special_301_Report/asset_upload_file500_15612.pdf?ht (accessed 05 15, 2009).

Pareles, Jon. New York Times. 06 08, 2008. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/08/arts/music/08pare.html?_r=4&ref=arts&oref=slogin&oref=slogin (accessed 05 25, 2009).

Righi, Michael. Michael Righi.com. 06 20, 2005. http://www.michaelrighi.com/2005/06/20/use-sony-drm-format-your-hard-drive/ (accessed 05 25, 2009).

soulxtc. Zero Paid. May 23, 2007. http://www.zeropaid.com/news/8800/trent_reznor_i_steal_music_too/ (accessed 05 25, 2009).

Tucker, Jeffrey. Ludwig von Mises Institut. 04 12, 2009. http://blog.mises.org/archives/009780.asp (accessed 05 25, 2009).

So I bought some books from Amazon, and thought I would check out the supposed “Monopoly Killer,” Settlers of Catan. This game was designed in Germany and is, apparently, the best board game EVAR!!

About the post below.

OK. So as usual, I was gone for a while. I am really trying to get my act together and get something published. Below is my latest effort. It’s going out to publishers this as soon as I go through a few more edits. This one and the sock post will be heading everywhere as the e-mail consensus is that the two of them “don’t suck the most.” (Thanks for that Deon!) Anyhoo, I’m working on more Sub Pop stuff so… hope you like those?

So the “short story” below is long, but I think it’s funny in a David Foster Wallace sort of way. Stroke my ego and tell me what you think.

joerdie@gmail.com

Peace.  

My name is Ben Hurr. And yes my parents understood the connotation. They were hippies and undoubtedly high at my birth. The story goes that they had not decided on my name and were still kicking around “Ben” and “Him &” when the time came. Between those two names, I think I got the better one. After all, who would want an ampersand as their middle name? They argued over names for so long that I was born at home. My father told me he acquiesced and accepted the name Ben after my mother yelled at him during her final contraction.

As an adult I have moved about as far away from my parents as possible. Not geographically, mind you, as they live just outside a planned community in which I own THE two bedroom ranch. During association meetings, where I chair the finance committee, I am announced as, “owner of THE two bedroom ranch” as a sign of respect. It took months of meetings before I recognized this. I had previously thought I may be being mocked for living in the smallest house, and only ranch in the neighborhood. I maintain that I chose this house, not because I couldn’t afford to buy anything larger, but because THE ranch was, by far, the best home in the neighborhood.

This particular neighborhood design is the most popular in America. Ameriaprop Realty came up with the design and there are now approximately 5,321 copies of this neighborhood scattered around the contiguous lower forty-eight. Some would say that the reason for NEH103285’s (the technical name for the neighborhood plan) popularity is the sheer number of different housing styles. Each development contains one hundred thirty six homes, offered in twenty-two housing styles, with up to four floor plans per style. Most housing developments contain less than ten house styles and very few floor plan variations. The ranch is home number one hundred. Legend has it a widower named John McCauley was on the original planning committee for NEH103285 and wanted something small enough to be easily maintained, but large enough to host his children and grandchildren during holidays.

Other reasons people often use to explain the popularity of housing development NEH103285 include, its relative low build cost, the ratio of homes to available land, common water areas, and, what I WILL NOT consider as correct, retail. You see, development NEH103285 was designed and implemented by America’s largest employer and retail chain, Wal-Mart. The claim that Wal-Mart’s influence in the retail industry is so great that, it was guaranteed a leading role in arguably the greatest ever planned community is laughable at best. 

It’s not that I dislike Wal-Mart. Its products are well built for my needs and I often partake of the heavily discounted items that they supply. I also find that shopping there in pre-dawn hours calms my head yet keeps my brain healthily occupied while I carry out the mundane tasks of purchasing green Colgate toothpaste with mint mouthwash beads, Charmin toilet tissue, and Old Spice antiperspirant. 

While I hadn’t physically moved far from my parents, I moved away from them psychologically. They chose to live in a one room cabin built by hand during a drug fueled weekend in 1974. “The Shed,” sits on a property easement between two other single family dwellings. Earlier that year, the city had seized the property to build a walkway to a local park. My parents and another couple they befriended through their mutual drug connections were fighting to save a tree that was to be cut down in the process. A lawyer, who owed my parents a favor, discovered that the city could not lawfully seize the land under imminent domain if the property in question contained any “habitable dwellings.” My parents decided to stop the “walkway to communism,” by building a cabin to protect the condemned tree. In the year of our lord, nineteen hundred and seventy nine, in the middle of June, my childhood home was built while the neighboring families called the police to have my parents and their friends removed. Once the police arrived, it was determined by our less than sober lawyer that because the city had already taken possession of the property in question, it was no longer owned by the two adjoining property owners. His argument successfully stalled the city and the neighbors causing a lawsuit that is still in litigation some thirty years later. Since there were no approved building plans, my parents were forced to stop work after the first day. The city engineer who was called out to stop the work deemed the cabin sound and I grew up in a five and three quarters sided home. (The west side was never completed.)

Before my eighteenth birthday, I filed for emancipation on the grounds that I was a better custodian for myself than my parents and was allowed to move out. Having completed my preparatory studies a year early, I matriculated into college and was able to live on campus through a series of grants and scholarships including one that I received for being a left hander. I was only asked to prove my left handedness by writing my name on a blackboard once using each hand. When my left hand wrote more clearly than my right, I was awarded the financial help. I am however, a righty through and through. I read on the internet what was required to prove left handedness and practiced writing my name with my left hand for a week before the test. When I wrote with my right hand, I simply held the chalk as if it were a dagger and used a larger, less refined font. To this day, no one suspects of my deception.

After college, where I majored in the lucrative field of medical billing, I landed the perfect job. It afforded me THE ranch house and I was, until this week, happy with my life.

I work as an “authorized representative” for a local hospital located two bus rides and an a half a mile walk from my ranch. Since I have decided not to own a car, my garage is used for storage. That is where I place all of the non collector grade coins in my ever growing collection. I also kept some of my less valuable postage stamps in the two car cavern but the humidity began causing irreparable harm to the glue backs and some concern for my retirement plan was becoming eminent.

During my rides and walk to work each day I focus on what tasks will surely be on hand once I reach the office. As everyone with a real job knows, the first thing a worker should do each day is check his voice mail. Some may believe that checking e-mail or getting coffee and socializing are more important. These tasks, except for the socializing of course, are important but must be taken under consideration. The coffee should be served to oneself complete with the requisite number of “lumps” (sugar) and half and half BEFORE one punches a time card, thereby officially reporting for duty. Many professionals think that these tasks are acceptable after the clocking in has already taken place. They are sadly mistaken. As for deciding the level of importance among e-mail, regular mail, voice mail, and physical visits, one only has to look at the retail field for advisement. The rule of thumb is that a person standing at a counter should precede any other commitment. After all, they did make the effort to visit your location and walk to your counter. This is a lesson that everyone could benefit from learning. If the phone rings whilst dealing with a flesh and blood person in front of you, the phone call can wait (even if that phone call is another hospital trying desperately to contact you regarding your father’s emergency liver failure in which you are the only viable donor).

Once the flesh and blood visitors are taken care of, voice mail should always supersede forms of mail. After all, the caller has taken the time to dial YOUR number and leave you a message which should be returned promptly between the appropriate hours of business so as not to interrupt any sleeping cycles. Just because I and some of my co-workers get up before five AM does not mean that the rest of the world does. Some people may work second shift or have an off day; in which case they may be sleeping in until the late morning as I sometimes do on Saturdays when there is nothing to get done before seven AM. A professional must also be sure not to call too late in the evening. Sometimes, when I, “burn the midnight oil,” I forget that it may be too late to call a client. After say, eight thirty PM on a weekday would not be an acceptable time to attempt a return phone call as said client may already be asleep, resting up for the next busy work day. The point here is that voice mail always precedes mail because the caller has worked harder to reach you than a mailer.

E-mail, while important, is the lowest form of professional communication and should be treated as such. Even when a memo comes across as an e-mail, it should be held in lower regard than a paper notice, and I will usually sort my paper mail before checking e-mail.

Once my correspondence is caught up, I usually take the first of my two pre-described daily brakes. My morning break usually includes the preparation of a second cup of java complete with an extra “lump” of sugar. 8.5 out of 10 work days, I will have to make a new pot of coffee as 85% of the time, the person before me is clearly too lazy to make a fresh pot of “go juice.” Since my colleagues have never extended the hand of friendship, I normally use the rest of my ten minutes reading up on the latest in medical procedures. I think that it’s important for people in my field to stay abreast of any and all new advancements in the field of medicine since WE authorized representatives are the ones who figure out the party of payment for any and all medical expenses incurred while in our facilities. WE make the hospital go.

After my morning “rest period” as the employee manual so succinctly calls it, I make my rounds. THIS is my favorite part. My job starts when someone comes into my hospital without a way to pay for services. These unsuccessful lazy people are called “self pays” and have many great excuses for why they do not have regular full time health insured employment. I hear a lot of laid off stories, and even more, “I just made one mistake” stories. But since doctors believe in that silly “Do No Harm” pact that is forced down their throats from their first day in medical school, they cannot just let people die in the parking lot when they are unable to pay for their own treatment. It is my job to figure out a way for the client to make good on their bill. Mostly, I gently force the injured party or, “self pay” to sign forms stating that I may represent them to the government.  The government has made things very difficult and exceedingly confusing for poor people to receive help, be it in the form of Medicaid, welfare, or SSI. People like me or, “Auth/Reps” as we are nicknamed, meet with and/or talk to the self pay very rarely.

After my initial interview, I speak with the client to either inform him that his application for free medical help has succeeded in bilking an all too forgiving democratic hippie regime for the amount of said care; or to inform him that the application has failed and that he is on the hook for the entire bill. If the latter is true, I also inform the self pay that all payments are due within thirty days from the time of treatment, and if the bill is not zeroed out within that timeframe, a referral will be made to a collection agency. My hospital utilizes a collection agency entitled, “LCMC,” which stands for “Loving Care Medical Collections.” Some of my colleagues have renamed the acronym to mean, “Low [on] Cash Medical Care.”

Even though my job is dependent on approving as many clients through government assistance programs as possible, I feel a pang of anger each and every time I succeed. While I am very good at what I do, over the course of the last year my approvals have been diminishing exponentially due to what could only be described as an increasingly negative attitude toward what I consider to be, “government hangers on.”

Which brings me to today. As I was just getting up to attend to an empty cup of java, my direct supervisor pulled me aside on my way to the break room and guided me to his office. Sitting down in the chair facing the door, I knew where Bill Thomas was going to sit. He has always been one of those bosses who fakes the attempt to be your friend. No boss actually wants to be your friend, of course, but some, mostly white men, who feel emasculated by their place in modern society now that Woman’s lib and affirmative action are here, try anyway. As I predicted, Mr. Thomas sat in the chair closest the door on the “guest” side of his desk. In this way, he attempted to project a sense of community and a relaxed management style. This failed, as usual, as I have been able to see through his ruse since before he accepted the promotion to management.

Mr. Thomas was wearing a tie that would be called a “power tie” in certain circles. The tie sported alternating blue and black lines, sliding diagonally down and to his right. The reason I bring up the tie is to highlight an oddity, a flaw, in the way that my boss knots his ties. Most men in power, or men projecting they are in power, use a knot known as the Windsor. The Windsor (or Full Windsor as there is a “small” or “half” Windsor that can be used but has no purpose in this current narrative), has a clean and symmetrical knot that is wide and, if tied correctly, its pattern should match the visible body below it. Mr. Thomas however utilized what is known as a “Shell Knot.” The Shell is applied backwards and the main body of the tie turns forward after a certain number of undulations. Once a Shell is tied, the knot is small, and depending on the handedness (left or right) of the person tying the tie, one side will slope more steeply toward the feet. This knot is used primarily by the working poor, men not raised by strong fathers, or mothers who, having been woman, never properly learned to tie knots.

Mr. Thomas was born seven years after me and at that time, the divorce rate was high. I am sure that he was emotionally scarred by his childhood, as was I, but has never spoken with me about his upbringing. Two Christmases ago, I pulled his name for our office secret Santa gift exchange. I bought him a rather high end, (over $100.00) Forzieri tie, made from the finest cashmere, in the most luxurious green available. I slipped a folded piece of parchment into the box demonstrating five ways to build the perfect knot. One of the featured knots was the Windsor, though the Shelby, Pratt, Four in Hand, and Bow Tie knots were also included. It is apparent he has not used any of the proper knots since receiving the tie from me, though he often wears it.

From Mr. Thomas’ demeanor, this was going not going to be a positive conversation. It had something to do with the way he had closed the door, softly, like he wanted my presence in his office to be a secret. He dropped a file onto his desk. The file was mine; my personnel file to be specific. I knew this because the manila folder, wrapped in a green hanging file, was not color coded. I had suggested that the company adopt a color coding system when I began employment, and all subsequent hires were coded in varying shades. I knew what he was going to say before he admitted it.

“Mr. Hurr,” he said with a sigh. “I’m afraid we are going to have to pa-”

“Lay me off, I know.” I interrupted. My emotions roiled. Even though I had been getting fewer approvals of late, I was still way ahead of the rest of our “team” as far as total dollars go. I couldn’t believe the gall. I could not believe that the owners had approved this decision. My first instinct was to interrupt Mr. Thomas so that I could save face. Now it was too late to go back. I needed to save face in a big way. I inhaled slowly.

“Don’t bother filling out the paperwork for severance. I don’t need the pathetic charity you, no doubt, have in store for me. I quit.” I stood up and left the office. Walking briskly back to my three sided cubical, my hands shook.

I was never one to bring personal effects into an office. During my nine year tenure, I had only brought in my own coffee mug, which I was currently carrying, and my personalized memo pads that read, “I have the ‘Munday’s every day.’”  I blew out of the office so quickly neglecting to say goodbye to any of my colleagues. I did not want to make a scene, but between the front desk and the door, I managed to trip on the rim of a pot containing the Ficus Elastica that I had insisted on purchasing for the office eight years ago. I had forced the issue on Mrs. Ludite, two supervisors prior to Mr. Thomas. The plant, I had campaigned, would increase oxygen in the surrounding rooms as well as add a feeling of warmth that would increase morale in the office. My shoe caught in the overflow water catch at the bottom of the pot and my ankle twisted as I fell to the ground. My mug landed first and broke. The mug had read, “Life’s a Beach” and was meant to convey that I was part of the team by wishing I was both there and on a beach at the same time. A few years after I bought the mug, I realized that the word “beach” could be misconstrued for the word “bitch.” Dirty word or not, it didn’t matter now, the mug was broken beyond repair. I left the building.

My ankle began to swell as I walked to the bus stop. I mentally kicked myself for leaving a perfectly good apple in the refrigerator. It was to be part of my balanced lunch that day but now, it had gone to waste. No doubt one of the other unprofessional employees would eat it or worse, it would get thrown away after the “fridge” started to smell. Without me cleaning the refrigerator once a week, (on Friday’s during my lunch period) the apple would certainly become “ripe” in no time. I caught the number 33 bus, with a driver I didn’t know. Attempting to sit in my customary seat, I was accosted by the sight of gum. Chewed gum blighted the seat that I had occupied for the last five years. I sat to the left of the gum, in a huff of course, as I was, understandably, very angry.

During the bus ride I started to think about logistics. Things would be OK. I had plenty of savings and a plan for the future. I would be able to “overcome.” I wouldn’t need any “unemployment” compensation or “welfare” during my time away from the workforce. Once I was off the bus, and walking toward THE ranch, I knew what my future held. As a reputable member of society, I had a layoff contingency plan. I had been taking night classes in real estate and was prepared, and legally permitted, to sell model homes from the NEH103285 catalogue. Not just in the fifty United States, but across parts of Canada as well. What with Canada’s colder climate, the populous would surly enjoy spacious, ultra efficient, two bedroom ranches in their new developments. I would make a killing.

After walking into my foyer, I resolved to take the Canadian ranch home market by storm. I removed my shoes and placed them in their cubby hole to the left of my custom “Brass Diplomat”- the prestigious electric shoe shiner of which you have no doubt heard. I went about my usual after work ritual even though the time was only 12:15pm. I removed my Corinthian Leather belt, rolled it up and placed it in a drawer of my poplar Apothecary table (large).  

I sat down at my personal computer and wrote this letter. I wanted the future world to know of my exploits as I began to change the world with my decision to leave the Auth/Rep position. I would change the world, but needed a record of the events so that my pursuits would not go unnoticed in the present, or forgotten in the future. What you are reading is a manifesto, of sorts. It is a description of how the most popular home style in America took the world by storm, and the way that I, Ben Hurr was to become the most renowned real estate agent in the contiguous forty-eight and three Canadian provinces.

###

“You can’t be serious.” Joshua Davis, editor of the local daily sat at his desk looking at the document presented to him. He looked at the nine pages of text, then back up to the lawyer. “Mr. Barth, with all due respect, there are over four thousand words here.” The lawyer stifled a smirk.

“I am aware of the length of my client’s document. But he has asked for the entire writ to be published in the event of his death. My client has expired and-” a chortle built up within the lawyer and twenty-three years of professionalism could not stop the outburst. A long inhalation of air into the nostrils slowed his heart and he continued. “Mr. Hurr has asked that all of his assets be allotted to the publication of this document in the case of his demise.”

“And how-” the editor paused. He didn’t know where to start. The “writ” was funny as hell, and ever since Mr. Barth sat down he had been at a loss as to what exactly he was looking at. “How did Mr. Hurr pass?”

“Well,” Mr. Barth began, with a smirk. “Mr. Hurr died of brain damage, it started with an aneurism. He had quit his job over a misunderstanding about water cooler filters.”

“I’m sorry, did you say water cooler filters?” The lawyer nodded and the editor continued. “I don’t understand.”

“Mr. Hurr thought he was being laid off, but in reality his request to upgrade the water cooler filters was being denied.” The two professionals stared at each other for some seconds. Mr. Barth continued, “His insurance was declined and after his savings and possessions had been sold to pay for treatment, he was placed on state assisted Medicaid for the remainder of his life.” The lawyer bit his lower lip and vowed never to work with the Hurr family again.  

“OK. Here is the issue,” the editor stated with a tired expression. “You have offered three thousand dollars to publish this obit along with a picture of the decedent.” The lawyer nodded. “Our paper charges eight dollars and sixteen cents per text line with an average of five words per line. The photo fee is one hundred forty-nine dollars and twenty three cents, and the header will count as two lines plus a processing fee of seventeen dollars and fifteen cents.” The editor laughed, causing a domino effect between himself and the lawyer. They laughed for some minutes. Both men were fast with math and had done the calculations in their heads. The obit would cost almost seven thousand dollars. The lawyer caught his breath and resumed.

“I am also required to ask that the newspaper be printed in a sans-serif font on the day of publication as Mr. Hurr did not like the Times font that has been used of late.” The lawyer thanked the editor and got up to leave. “Mr. Hurr’s estate has no other money to draw from. His house was sold at auction after the bank foreclosed. No one wanted to buy a ranch surrounded by mansions. What was left of the coin and stamp collections brought in a considerable amount of money but the burial, at Mr. Hurr’s insistence, had tapped all but three thousand dollars of those funds. There is no more money.”

“Then Mr. Hurr will not have an obituary.”   

Alone in his office, the editor contemplated what should be done with the manuscript. After laughing one last time, he filled out a thin paper strip with Mr. Hurr’s name followed by a block “X” so that the file would stand out. The file was sent to the basement were it was lost among tens of thousands of published transcripts. Mr. Hurr would not be remembered.